Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving


To our NMRI family,

We at the National Marshmallow Roasters Institute (NMRI) have decided to stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the benefit of our customers. We realize that many of our employees will have to work on Thursday and be away from their biological families.

Our Board of Directors, however, believes wholeheartedly that our employees are one big happy family and will want to spend this holiday at the institute, even more so than with their biological families. Yes, there are some naysayers who believe people should not have to work on Thanksgiving. These are society's "Takers". Our NMRI family has no sympathy for those liberal lunatics who just take, take, take. Our dedicated and happy employees, after all, know that corporations are people too. And the NMRI is one of the nicest people you'll ever come to know.

While our board members will be slaving over carving turkeys, tasting wine, and lugging beach toys down to Malibu Beach outside our corporate retreat on Thanksgiving, we will propose a toast, during half time of the Lions game, to our employees who are at the institute helping people like our customers and the corporation, joyously and with a smile on their faces.

Thank you to our employees, and we do so wish we could be there with you on Thursday. But, alas, we must slave away with our biological families.

Sincerely,

Jerry Grinstead
President and Director of Unpaid Social Liaisons
National Marshmallow Roasters Institute

Friday, November 16, 2012

Twinkies Bailout


So GM and Ford and AIG and Goldman Sachs were good enough for a billions-of-dollars bailout, but not Hostess? You've got to be yanking my Ding-Dong! Where is the hue? Where is the cry? Where is Bain Capital to take over and save the iconic American business of Hostess Brands?

I can only ask, "What's next?" No more McDonald's? Marshmallow Fluff? No more Kleenex? Campfire Marshmallows? No more GM and Ford? Where, oh where is our Twinkies Bailout? 

I urge my congressman-elect, Ami Bera (D) California's 3rd congressional district, to make it his Priority-Number-One to put forth a bill to bring back our Twinkies, our Suzy Q's, our Fruit Pies for God's sake!

 It just ain't America if it can no longer be deep-fried at your State Fair! As a veteran, I think I speak for all those soldiers who will no longer be able to enjoy a Ho-Ho in the barracks. Take away our pay; take us away from our families when we go overseas; take away our body armor! But, please do not emasculate us any  further by removing our Ding-Dongs! 

Ho-Hos and Ding-Dongs go together like GI's and strip clubs; like Dick Cheney and shotguns; like Hostess Wonder Bread and Oscar Mayer Bologna.

Jerry Grinstead
President and Director of Unpaid Social Liaisons
National Marshmallow Roasters Institute

Thursday, November 15, 2012

NMRI Unpaid Social Liaison

Job Announcement: NMRI Unpaid Social Liaison

At the National Marshmallow Roasters Institute (NMRI), we  are hiring several Unpaid Social Liaisons. Responsibilities include ensuring private NMRI social functions and affairs remain just that: Private.

The unpaid liaison interacts with paparazzi, journalists, photographers, roasters, and our other unpaid liaisons to provide the requisite privacy and intimate counsel to officers and board members of NMRI before, during and after roasts, social functions and affairs.

The unpaid liaison reports to the NMRI Secretary Under the President. Though the position is unpaid, the liaison will be provided a $3500/month apartment allowance, hotel suites during travel, $5000/month Victoria's Secret clothing allowance (female liaisons), $5000/month Speedo Apparel clothing allowance (male liaisons), $7500/month Nordstrom clothing allowance (all liaisons), 24-hour chauffeured limousine service, and a $15,000 per month expense account.

Personal interviews will be held at the NMRI Palm Beach, Florida and NMRI Malibu California Private Retreats and will be conducted between the Secretary under the President and President. There will be an oral interview with the Secretary under the President (25% of interview) followed by an oral interview with the President (25% of interview), followed by a joint "hands-on" interview with both the Secretary under the President and President (50% of interview).

No need to bring anything to the interview. Various sundries for an extended stay (should that be proffered by the Secretary under the President, or President) will be provided.